This time though, my snow day has been spoilt by twats. It should be going so right. The Beast is finally old enough to be sent out sledging in the field by himself. The Terror is exhausted by running around in the snow, and sleeps instead of trying to kill things. I have many ingredients for soup, and much flour to smugly make homemade bread, so I do not have to panic buy from the Local Shop, like the unprepared fools. But I had reckoned without People, and their thwarting ways.
The day started well. So well. How smugly I smirked to myself as I bestrode the frozen fields, judging the other dog walkers as they slipped and slid in their inferior wellies. No slipping for me in my insanely expensive 4x4 Dubes. How I mocked their nasty fleeces and fluorescent water proofs, as I marched on, so cosy in my cashmere, and pitied them all their lack of pearls.
The Terror, for once, even behaved like a normal dog and did bizarre things like coming when called, and not trying to kill packs of giant dogs singlehandedly**. He even removed himself from a rabbit hole when admonished, saving me the ignominy of lying on my stomach in the snow, rootling around trying to grab his tail and haul him out. This excellent behaviour left me in the unusual position of even being able to judge other people's dogs, for being pathetic, feeble creatures that needed to wear coats in the snow, not like my hardy Terror, who laughs in the face of all weather.***Home from our walk, I had a good chuckle over the local Facebook pages, where there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth****, and dire warnings to drive nowhere on the snowy roads, for all was doomed, doomed. Then I hopped in my Mighty Honda and popped off to the gym*****. Such fun!
I must confess I did indulge in a spot of panic buying while I was out, but only in Majestic- the idea of running out of wine fills me with horror. I returned home, smugger than a smug thing, as I drove merrily up our hill behind a VW Passat sliding all over the place and blowing blue smoke as they over revved the engine, only to have my smug joy replaced by burning ire when I discovered the Twatting Twattish Twatty Twat neighbours had parked their shitty car across the road from my driveway. Again.
This has been an on-going issue for three years. Our road is narrow. The Twats have off road parking for at least six cars on their driveway, but they refuse to use it, even though if someone parks across the road from a driveway, it's nigh on impossible to reverse out without many complex manoeuvrings. I have explained this to the Twatting Twattish Twatty Twats many many times, including through the medium of sharply reversing into their car and shouting at them for it. I have also tried parking across from their driveway to demonstrate the difficulties they cause me; and my personal favourite, standing in the street with the nice old ladies who live on either side of me and loudly discussing the Twats' shortcomings, both in parking and for being lazy, workshy, southern fops, who ponce around being all 'meejah' instead of having proper jobs. Also, they once stole my hedgehog******
This time the DC assured me he had dealt with it. He had spoken to He Twat, who had moved the car. To a worse place. He had spoken to them again and they had promised to move it. He went to the pub. He came home and the car had moved four feet. He went to 'speak' to them again. It seems having fourteen stone of angry, swearing Irishman on your doorstep concentrates the mind wonderfully. The car is now parked outside their own driveway, but I think it's time for us to move.
*Some say I am just foolish and reckless, but they are stupid. And wrong.
**I was going to say 'singlepawedly' but that seemed excessively twee.
***Except sunshine. Sunshine makes him want to die. I suspect he may be a vampire dog. But luckily we live in Scotland, so sun is never a problem.
****Well, teeth were gnashed in the Enclave. The Non-Enclavular Villages have to arrange an Annual Tooth Gnash, where they all gather by torchlight and solemnly watch each village's Tooth make a grand Procession to the Square, whence the Elder Wolf Man of each village bears The Village Tooth forth and all the Teeth are ceremonially gnashed together, to represent all frustration suffered over the preceding year. Soup is served afterwards.
***** Swam one length, then went in the Jacuzzi and steam room.
****** The hedgehog theft still rankles so deeply, I may have to devote a whole separate blog post to it. It was my hedgehog. And they stole it! Twats!
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